It’s All My Fault

To:  The Sens Army

From:  Hockeyschlock

Re:  I’m sorry

You can call him Ray!  You can call him Rayzor!  You can call him “The Tardy ‘Tender” (please don’t), but DO NOT call him late for practice

Please people; stop throwing dirty tampons at Ray Emery.  I can explain why he was late for practice because I was with him in Vegas.  My family and friends think I was in Tahoe that weekend, but no; I decided that skiing Squaw Valley for 3 days was nothing compared to the kind of fun I can have on a Ray Day or 3.  You haven’t partied until you’ve spent an all-star weekend in the City of Satan with the Lindsey Lohan of Hockey.  I mean; he’s acting (hence the Lohan reference…get it?  Ray is acting!) like it was an honest mistake, when he knows all along that it’s my fault and really, he was late for his flight because of my poor judgement.  I appreciate that he’s trying to protect me, but alas, I must come clean. 

Ray and I were in church all weekend.  I guess you could call it church anyway.  We gathered up 20 Vegas hookers and drove to Hilldale, Utah, where Warren Jeffs “married” us to 1o each.  We then spent a very religious weekend in our 6000 square foot shack getting to know our new wives.   You see, I convinced Ray that the kingdom of heaven would be his if he would just embrace polygamy.  He’s really very impressionable and thought that having a piece of that action sounded pretty good.  I’m ashamed that I allowed my significant guile to influence him.  However, I guess I’m not totally surprised that he embraced the idea almost immediately, when I think about it. 

Anyway, Ray got up to blow his nose and leave a leak, with plenty of time to get back to Vegas for his flight on Monday, but one of his new flames came to see him in the bathroom; the one that really burns when you potty. 

Now, Ray’s new religion frowns on getting medical attention, but I thought that given his important position as a goaltender for a team that has designs on winning a Cup, it would probably be a good idea to get him a shot or two before heading on to the other City That Never Sleeps.  That was just me trying to help Ray show some good judgement and it took a little time to find the kind of doctor that we needed.  I had no idea that it would end up costing Ray a day’s salary.  I feel pretty bad about that; although now that I think about it, the hookers cost quite a bit more than that and I don’t feel bad about them at all; except when I pee, anyway. 

You probably know about all the fallout from my bad advice.   But, I think things are going to work out just fine.  Ray gets a start tonight in Toronto.  I know his surgically repaired wrist is just fine; you should see some of the things he was doing with it last weekend. 

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